The Narcissist Among Us
- Susan Belangee
- May 5
- 5 min read
We are drawn to them for many reasons, those narcissists among us. They are charismatic, entertaining, seemingly smart and on their way to the top. Because they feed off the attention from others, they draw you in, make you feel special, perhaps praise and flatter you...at first. But then you start to notice things that are unsettling. Perhaps "little white lies" get told, utterances under their breath seem out of place or unnecessary, or they shirk responsibility for something that didn't go well.
The sad reality of narcissists in the workplace is that they sew division and strife with their behaviors in order to sustain their self-image. Make no mistake that their behavior serves a useful purpose for them. Any misgivings about their behaviors would be met with "it's all in your head," or "I have no idea what you're talking about" even though you can document the situation with facts. Some of the likely effects when a narcissistic person is present include burnout among the team members directly interacting with the person, low productivity, decreased morale, and attrition.
While I can recognize a narcissist prettily easily given my experience as a therapist, the majority of people fall prey to the manipulation and then begin to realize what's actually happening. Here are, in my opinion, the key telltale signs:
They lack empathy - If you share you're having a bad day and life seems tough, either they will launch right into their own stories of woe and hardship to outdo yours, or they will change the subject as if you never shared, and likely it will be about their new idea, next great plan, etc.
They seem jealous of your successes - Let's say you're in an important meeting with your whole team and your boss acknowledges you for a good idea or a well executed plan. The narcissistic co-worker will do something to take the attention away from you, perhaps leaning over to the colleague next to them and offering their own negative opinion about you or your plan. They may also quickly speak up to say something like "well it really was a team effort, right everyone?" and make eye contact with others to evoke from them a similar response.
They gaslight you - so gaslighting is defined as "psychological manipulation that causes you to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one's emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator" (retrieved May 5, 2025 from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/gaslighting). What does this look like in the workplace? Here are a couple of examples
You're put in charge of a project and after each meeting you send out a summary to your team with who is handling what parts of the project and the progress. When the next meeting occurs, the narcissistic co-worker may try to undermine you by saying "That's not what I remember," or "you never told me that was part of my tasks for the week." Even if you show them the email you sent, they will deflect and try to convince you that they never got the email.
You are brainstorming solutions with your colleagues to resolve an issue on a project and the narcissistic co-worker says to the group "are you sure you actually know what you're doing because that's a dumb idea." Even if another coworker speaks up to defend you, the narcissist will stand by their thought, even continuing with "Don't lie you know you were thinking the same thing, I just said it out loud."
Gaslighting can take on many forms, but the bottom line is this - if you're questioning something you know to be true or feeling like you just got stabbed in the back, it's likely not you.
So how do we deal with the narcissistic colleague? Your first line of defense is to document and keep records for yourself. When you notice the behaviors, start a document that details the interactions, statements, etc and email it to yourself. That way you can refer to it when you feel like you're being gaslighted. You can also share it with HR if that becomes necessary. Get in the habit of saving emails containing important information on a flash drive and make sure you keep that flash drive in a secure location; better yet, take it with you at the end of every workday.
It is also wise to avoid a fight. Remember, the narcissistic colleague wants to be right, to be special, to be better than everyone, so they won't back down from an argument where they perceive their self-esteem and image is threatened. Sidestep the power struggle with statements like "I know what I said in the email," or "We can agree to disagree on this" and then walk away from the person as soon as you can. Don't wait for their response, just walk away. Obviously that's tougher to do when it's your boss (that's a whole other blog post perhaps); but the key thing is they want the attention, even if it's negative, so do your best to avoid the fight.
The hardest solution to use is to remind yourself it's not personal, it's not you. This type of individual loves to make things personal; they will use personal and/or confidential information you share with them to their advantage. The truth is that this kind of person is so lacking self-worth and riddled with feelings of inferiority that they will throw the people closest to them under the proverbial bus if it enhances their self-image. When you are the victim of someone's narcissistic behaviors, your feelings about it are real and deserve recognition, but you won't get the acknowledgement or "I'm sorry" from that person. Instead, remind yourself this person is ultimately so fragile that they can't really handle life's demands in healthy ways. Then be sure to share your experiences with those who care for you so you can release the emotions and move forward.
Thankfully, people who meet diagnostic criteria for full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder are somewhat rare (approximately 6.2% of the population), but as with all psychological issues, there is an even larger grey area in which people may exhibit some of the behaviors associated with that disorder, just not enough to receive the diagnosis. This means that all of us have dealt with and/or will likely encounter individuals who developed these tendencies as a way to cope with life.
When I bring it back to a belonging perspective, narcissistic behaviors are a person's perceived way of achieving belonging; "in order to belong I must be the best" is one example of internal dialogue. Chances are good that these individuals strongly doubted their belonging in the family growing up, and because that was a hurtful situation, they set a goal for themselves to never feel that way again. Because being the best brings praise, accolades, accomplishment, and promotion, these individuals pursue that no matter the costs. Loss of relationships or negative outcomes are always due to some fault of the other person(s).
To conclude a rather long blog (but I hope a helpful one), it is necessary to remind ourselves that we are not crazy, what is happening here is likely this person's way of preserving self-esteem, and that we can disengage to avoid the fight. Seeking support from trusted friends and loved ones will help bolster us to handle that next encounter.
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